Finally Home Again! (A picture of me today....it was a good day!!!!)

Well,I made it home to my very own house today...back where I started in the comfort of my home with my dog and cat and my own bed!!! My how I missed my own comfy bed!!! I can't wait to go to sleep in it tonight!!

Today was a much better day for me...I didn't feel as light headed and tired and even drove the truck for a little while on the way home. I got sort of sleepy this afternoon though and I will no doubt have a good sleep tonight. I have been sleeping so much better lately despite the fact that I haven't been in my own bed...but since I have begun to shed some of these pounds, I find it so much easier to get comfortable to sleep at night. I think I am breathing easier too. It makes such a difference to me!

Eating has been interesting for me since my surgery last Tuesday...or should I say "eating"...more like drinking and sipping, even licking things at times!!!!! My stomach is not the size of my thumb so that is all the liquid that I can fit into it at one time right now. So, it takes some skill and finesse to get all the liquids and protein shake in that I need to. Taking all my vitamins and pills is interesting too. In the morning it takes me about an hour to get down 4 ounces of my protein shake, two chewable children's multi-vitamins, an antacid pill and a couple more things....by the time that all of that is in my tiny tummy...I am full, not to mention exhausted!!!!! After that, I have to sip sip sip ALL day long in between my other two 4 oz protein shakes...it takes a good amount of concentration to remember to drink when I'm supposed to because I am never hungry. Even though for over 10 days now I have been ingesting only teeny tiny amounts of liquid I have not had one single hunger pang in my stomach!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! It's seriously amazing!!!! Tonight, however, I did have a little treat from Swiss Chalet...as Ed gobbled down his half chicken dinner slathered in Chalet sauce and chomped on his crispy while roll and munched his yummy fries, I slowly sipped the broth from a bowl of Chalet chicken noodle soup...it was the best darn soup I've ever tasted....it was soooooooooooooooo good!!!! The amazing thing about starving yourself to death is that the food you do eat tastes absolutely beyond belief!!!!

Thursday marks the one week since I was discharged from the hospital which means I will be able to add a few more things to my diet. The good thing about this post op diet is that I never have to puree my food. On Thursday I can move from only having clear liquids to introducing small amounts of certain solids....I can have fat free/sugar free yogurt, loose mashed potatoes, oatmeal, cream of wheat, unsweetened apple sauce and fat free cottage cheese!!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!

Coming Home!

I'm coming home to Toronto tomorrow and I will be able to access the Internet a little better so I will certainly be more diligent about updating things day to day. For now though, I am alive!! Today has been the worst day so far since coming out of the hospital. I have no energy and feel light headed all the time...it took me almost all day to have a shower and get dressed for Pete's sake!!!!! Not my typical self at all...but its ok...its all part of the process and hey, who cares about the energy and feelin' yucky a bit...my clothes are looser!!!!! I will write more of an update tomorrow!!! See yaz!

I'm Still Here!!!!

Well, the worst is over...or so they tell me...and that its only gonna get better from here...they way I'm feeling right now, I'm not too sure of that!!! Just kidding...its not that bad. Anyway, right from the horses mouth, the surgery went really well and I am recovering well. The Doctor came in the morning to discharge me from the hospital to go back to the hotel for couple of days and reminded me that my hew stomach"pouch" is only the size of my thumb!!!! Can you believe it???? MY THUMB!!!! Ain't gonna get none of those big mac's with extra sauce in there any more!!!! So, anyway, now I have to sip teeny tiny amounts of fluids, one ounce every 15 minutes to stay hydrated. I can't have any solid food for the next two weeks but I can have broth and diluted juices, decaffeinated tea and coffee...so it's not all that bad!!!

After coming back to the hotel I had a splitting headache....getting two extra strength Tylenol down when you have the stomach the size of your thumb is interesting!!! And I have to be so very very careful not to over stuff the pouch in these early days after surgery. The pouch is very delicate for the first three weeks after the surgery so it is imperative that I follow the instructions perfectly in order to heal completely. Then, and only then, will i be able to introduce a few more items into my menu...doesn't look like I will be having turkey dinner for Thanksgiving though!!! Maybe I'll just lick the gravy spoon!!! Hopefully, I'll be able to enjoy a little Christmas turkey this year though!

So friends, that's about it for now. My eyes get a little weird if I look at this screen for too long but I will type more tomorrow and keep you all posted. Thanks for reading and showing your interest in my journey...I couldn't have done this without all the support I have had from all of you individually!! You each played a part!

SURGERY DAY!!! - (Surgery at) 12:00 NOON

I cannot believe that it is finally here!! All that waiting and research and checking things out and wondering and consultations and eating birdseed!!!!! It has all finally worked together to bring me to this day! Of course, I am excited and a little nervous, I kind of have butterflies in my stomach and I am feeling a little dizzy from not eating for so many days, but other than that, I am raring to go....pretty much bouncing off the walls....nothing stopping me now! Ed and Mom have been a great support so far on the trip and I know that it will continue after surgery...they are waiting on my hand a foot...such a change for the self-sufficient, independent woman I try to be on a regular basis!!! I'm kind of enjoying the attention though, I have to admit!!!!

Sooooooooooo, here we go. The next time you hear from me I will a little different looking on the inside....or well, my anatomy will be a little rearranged, but I will still be the same Ally...just on a different path!!

Thanks to all of you for your notes of encouragement. I read them over and over every time I log into my blog. They mean so much to me. I read them again this morning and took in every word so that they are what I will be thinking of as I drift away this morning into my blissful sleep during surgery...I know you are all here in spirit and I appreciate that so much.

See you on the flip side!!!

Ally-Girl :)

The night before....

It was a busy day to say the least. First off to the hospital for the final pre op assessment and to meet the anesthesiologist to answer any questions and for them to have a final look at me before the deed is done!!! All went so very well and my runny nose did not even pose one bit of a problem!!! I am so happy that things are finally winding down and that all of the steps I have taken to this point have lead me to exactly where I want to be and need to be right at this moment in time. I met with my surgeon's office after in order to see the nutritionist who will help me with my post op diet and they were thrilled at the weight I had lost! The affirmed that they could see that I was more than ready for this new adventure in my life and that I have wrapped my mind around all aspects of the changes that I will need to make in my life.

I am just so grateful today that I am as healthy as I am despite my current weight of 400lbs and that I don't have serious medical complications heading into such an extensive surgery. There are so many other people who suffer greatly with other illnesses and hindrances as a result of their weight and I have been blessed with a supernatural strength that has enabled me to carry this amount of weight with the least amount of damage to my body....no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, no diabetes, no worn out knees, joins or hips...I am otherwise healthy as a horse! And apparently I am a text book case heading into this surgery.

Words cannot express how excited I am to be getting ready tonight to take this next step in my journey tomorrow morning. I am sure that I won't sleep a wink...instead I will be dreaming of new red bicycles...and chasing my kids through the field...my hair blowing in the wind as I float along on the back of my beautiful horse...water skiing again with my Daddy like we used to (and giving him a run for his money at it too)...tonight my mind will be wandering up the mountain trails I will hike and the zip lines I will swing along, the hills I am going to ski and the trips that I will take, flying in an airplane comfortably in the seat...but most of all, I will be dreaming of the transformation that will take place over the next while that will finally expose the "real, authentic, genuine Ally-Girl"...the Ally that I am on the inside but who has been so hindered from true expression as a result of this weighty battle and for many years....that's where my mind will be as I place my head on my pillow and close my eyes tonight, for the final time, as the "old" Allison....

Utica, NY....Fianlly...

Well, we finally arrived in Utica, NY and now I am eagerly awaiting my pre op appointments and other preparations for surgery on Tuesday. Only two more days to go until the big day. I am so very excited and can['t wait to just be on the other side of this whole thing! It has been almost two years since I really began to seriously consider rapid weight loss surgery and so I am more than ready to get this over with...the surgery part of it anyway!!!! I woke up yesterday morning with a few sniffles in my nose so I am really really praying that it is just my allergies and that it will not be a hindrance to surgery on Tuesday. I have been resting a lot and drinking a lot of fluids and taking cold FX and vitamin C, so hopefully it will pass. I am praying that this does not turn out into anything seriously complicating to surgery. I would be absolutely devastated if the whole thing was cancelled or postponed because of a runny nose!!! ! Jeepers!!!!

Anyway, I am trying to remain positive about this whole thing and trust that it is going to happen. I know I will be nervous going into surgery but I will be relieved when I wake up in the recovery room with it all behind me.

That's it for now! I'm going to head off to bed and try and get a really good rest and pretty much take it easy tomorrow too...maybe a teeny tiny bit of shopping!! !We'll see!!!

Thanks for reading everyone and please pray for my runny nose!!!! Darn those allergies!

What a Send Off!!!

Well, yesterday was my final day at work before being off for my surgery....and boy, what a send off I was given!!! I was in no way expecting the amazing last day that I had at THQ, not to mention the wonderful extra special coffee break in my honor!!! Wow!!! I am lost for words (believe it or not!!!). I was so very surprised at the number of people who came to show their support to be and to be of great encouragement as I press forward in this incredible journey. I have been most touched by the way people have rallied around me in the days of preparation for my surgery and for the keen interest in the whole process. I must admit that I was literally shocked by the outpouring of love and appreciation for me, especially on my last day. I did not realize how valued I truly was by so many people...even those who I don't know as well too! What a beautiful reminder to me of the amazing "family" of which I am a part at THQ, particularly on our floor. I love you all soooooooooooooo much and I am so glad that you have been along for this "ride of a lifetime" for me!!!

It's only 5 more days until the BIG day and as expected, I am beyond excited....a little exhausted from all the preparation over the past weeks, but excited none the less!! Mixed emotions really...I just can't wait to begin the first day of the rest of my life post surgery...my mom says that it will be my second birthday in a sense...a day to celebrate for sure in the years to come!!!

The kids and I along with Ed had a little party tonight and David ordered pizza, of course!!! I was able to have two pieces and still stay on track with my pre op diet...we had a great time together and they certainly enjoyed their own favorite special desserts that I made them...David had chewy brownies with french vanilla icing and I made Ruthie her favorite, chocolate chip banana muffins with "special" topping. I had a teeny ting piece of brownie and a small bite of the muffins in to celebrate with the kids tonight. It was really nice to enjoy the little treat and not feel that I had to go overboard and eat the whole pan of brownies myself!!!! The little taste was sooooooooooo good after birdseed for 6 weeks...it was delicious!!!!

So, all's ready to go!! Just have to wait these last few days...just going to rest up tomorrow during the day and head out to meet my mom in Pembroke before we leave for the states. One step closer to the other side!!!!

Getting There...

I'm tired today and have been all weekend. Not sure why but I think I am just exhausted from all the prep I have had to do in order to be ready for this surgery...very worth while....but tiring just the same. The kids seem a little "off" these days too...mostly yesterday and today...I'm not sure what it is but perhaps its just their way of processing things...especially David. He is so sensitive and feels things so very deeply that I am sure there are a multitude of feelings and emotions inside of him about me having surgery. It so hard to know what is really going through their little hearts and minds...all I can do is reassure them that everything will be ok...I love them so much and a large part of this decision has so much to do with them...in many ways they are my inspiration...

Anyway, aside from that, today was fairly uneventful...just a lot of work and preparation to get things ready for being out of the office for 6 weeks. I am already starting to fret about it...but I am trying to remind myself that it will all be ok...I have done my best to work hard at making sure all my bases are covered...I am just a fretter by nature!!!

Thanks to all of you who have extended words of encouragement and support along this journey and for those of who who have just come on board...it means so much to me to have all of you along for the ride and for the opportunity to share this momentous journey in my life with you!

9 Days!

It's 9 days until my surgery day and of course, my mind is completely preoccupied with this whole process...I just can't wait to get there and be on the other side of the surgery...wake up and know that it's all over...however, I must be patient....

I had a super weekend with my kids...we did things together that we have not done in a long, long time....or at least, not without a great deal of exhaustion or discomfort on my part physically. We had a little shopping to do so we went to Shopper's Drug Mart and we must have been in there a half an hour just taking our time strolling through the isles. Usually I would have ran in and out of the store as fast as I could because my back and feet would be in such pain the longer I was on them and I would get hot and sweaty with the smallest bit of exertion. This time, we doddled. Ruthie pushed her own cart and David carried a basket. We really only had about three things to pick up at the store but it was so freeing just to be able to breathe easier, strolling through the store with them...I didn't want it to end!!! Anyway, we got our mouth wash and deodorant and enjoyed a nice trek together too!!

After that I was really feeling adventurous and decided to take the kids to the park. I haven't done this in a time either. But what a difference 30lbs makes!!! I actually enjoyed the little walk to the school playground and had an amazing time walking around with the dog while the kids played. (I even "played" a bit myself..although I didn't quite make it down the slide....YET!!!!!)

What an amazing day Saturday was just enjoying a tiny taste of what is to come for me. I still am lugging around a few hundred extra pounds of weight from my ideal, but I feel light as a feather!!! And I was honestly delighted at the joy I felt being far more active this weekend than I have been in a while.

This has really gotten me to thinking about my weight and the real "handicap" it can be...not only for me, but for all those who really battle with obesity. The things that "normal" people take for granted are things that people like me long to do but just can't. I was talking to my best friend Hannah (my best ever childhood friend who knows me inside out...including my struggle with weight) this weekend and was reminded of the last time I actually sat comfortably in a Movie Theatre or even went to one at all...it was more than 7 years ago!!! So many things that I have missed out on and for so long just told myself it didn't matter...well, it does matter and I'm gonna do them!! I'm going to go to a movie....or sit in an arena...I'm going to go on a roller coaster and walk an entire theme park without being winded after 10 minutes...today I choose to live and experience and explore...and I choose to do it with as much joy and exuberance I can possibly muster!!!!!! Just you watch...God certainly is NOT finished with this chubby old girl yet!!!! I am so very grateful for this second chance...

Friday Night...

Well, it's Friday night and the end of my final full work week prior to my surgery. I have mixed emotions. I'm trying to run through everything I have done at work to prepare for being off for 6 weeks to be sure that all of my bases are covered. Only two and a half more work days before I am off....at least everything at home is coming together. I've thoroughly cleaned and organized my house over the past couple of weeks, tore apart and reorganized the kids rooms, complete with painting and a little interior decorating...the basement is actually looking livable and believe it or not all the laundry is up to date. All the arrangements for my animals have been made and I've stocked up on food for them for when I am away. Tomorrow the kids and I are going to clean the chinchilla and hamster cages so that they are all fresh before I go. One more thing for me to check off my list of things to do.

The kids have been great about this whole process. I've done my best to explain to them that I am having surgery, what it is for and that I will really need their help after I am home with them. They have been super about it and have enjoyed "practising" helping me carry up the laundry from the basement!!! It's been fun really, especially with David, because he is more able to comprehend the significance of this surgery. He told me that he is going to buy me a brand new red bicycle for my birthday next year and that he and I are going to go on a ride together next spring and summer. He has big plans for me....horseback riding, whitewater rafting, baseball...playing Wii and keeping up with his wild boxing moves...roller blading and ice skating...I don't think we are going to be bored for a really long time!!!!

David really does impress me, more and more everyday. Every night after Ruthie is all tucked in bed, he and I have a cuddle time on my bed where we just chit chat about all kinds of things. One night we got talking about the surgery and all the things we were going to do together and then just out of the blue David said, "buy Mommy, I love you whether you are chubby or skinny...because you will always be my Mommy." Since then, he has said the same thing over and over again at different times and Ruthie has now caught on and said the other day, "I love you no matter what, Mommy." So simple, and yet so very profound. The words and thoughts, the sensitivity and love of a child...reminding me of my value in the midst of all of this, despite the excess pounds of weight that I have carried for so long...reminding me that my weight does not define who I am. Thank you David & Ruthie...you have given me more than you may ever possibly know...my life is so full with the two of you in it!!!

SIGN MY GUESTBOOK!!!!!!! I just added it and I want to see if it works!!!! Its over to the right of this page just below the "Share Some Love..." box...........

Yay!!!!!!

I just heard from the Surgeon's office and I am cleared for surgery. This means that my blood work was not all THAT out of wack! So I can put my mind at ease just enjoy the ride from here. I cannot wait...I can hardly concentrate...I have my bags packed and I am soooooooooooooo ready to go.....the 22nd can't come fast enough now!!!

Time is dragging on although I know that every moment that passes is a moment closer to the day of my surgery. I just wish it was here NOW!! Anyway, today I went to my family Doctor for my final preop appoinmtent to go over all the paperwork and test results. All the tests were fine except my liver test. The enzyme levels that were tested came back slightly elevated, which could mean one of two things. Either it is simply symtomatic of the fact that I am morbidly obese and have what most people my size have, a fatty liver or it could be a stone left over in the duct from where my gall bladder was removed last year. Needless to say, when my Doctor told me all this, immediate panic set in and I began to think of what I would do and how I would feel if for some reason the surgery was postponed or cancelled. My Doctor was great and assured me that she was certain that it was a symptom of my weight and the surgery would only improve this issue.

I am pushing myself every minute to be positive and keep pushing forward in this process and not to allow myself to worry about the possibility of it not happening. I have just waited so long for the opportunity to seriously deal with my weight and all that goes a long with being my size. Words cannot express my feelings surrounding the amazing gift of this process. I am so very grateful to be moving forward to become the best Allison that I can be....from the inside out!

Gonna just keep moving forward....

Getting Closer...

I am so happy...I weighed in again today and I am down another 5 lbs from last week so that makes my pre op diet all that much more tolerable!!! I really don't mind eating all this birdseed and granola aftter all!! Seriously, I am getting excited and seem to be focused and on a roll about making the righ choices as far as my food is concerned and really thinking about what it is that I am putting in my mouth and why. After surgery, when I begin to eat solids again, I will have to chew my food really really well. So, at this point I am being encouraged to practise doing it now...which really makes me think about the food that I am eating and also about the taste and the texture. It's like exploring food in a whole new way, and hey, it seems to be working for me!

I was talking to someone at work today about this whole journey and my eating and I couldnt help but reflect as i was speaking about how I almost feel a new life coming about inside me. I know that might seem sort of strange, but its the best way that I can describe how I am feeling inside. This truely is an inside journey and will make its way to the outside in time. As I choose to eat well and reallt take care of myself in preparation for this surgery, i find that I am energized, not just physically, but mentall and spiritually too. I feel a lightness about myself and almost a spring in my step. I suppose its just a feeling of well-being but it has just been so long since I reall felt "well"....it is certainly a welcome gift!

The Beginning...

Ok, so its about two weeks until my life changes forever and I am so very excited...it has been a long journey to get to this point and I am so looking forward to this change. Since I was a little girl, probably about 10 years old, I dreamed of having a "normal" body....or at least one that looked like my tall, beautiful, slender older sister. But little did I know that it would be many many years before this dream would even be close to being realized. After a couple decades of personal work to really get to know and love myself and accept myself for the Ally I am, I am finally able to work on the outer shell of my being. It has seriously been an inside to outside process, one of many trials and tears, sorrows and heartache....but definitely worth it. I would not trade the "learning" I have done as a result of this personal "battle", my weight and Identity as "Allison" despite it.

I find myself preoccupied with my surgery, thinking of it from when I wake until I go to bed. I cannot wait to run again, no just wait, I can't wait to walk more than 5 minutes without feeling tired! I can't wait to ride a bike again and go white-watter rafting with my son for his 9th birthday...I can't wait to feel the breeze through my hair again while horseback riding with Ruthie...I cannot wait to go to a restaurant or movie theatre or concert hall without serious anxiety over the seating and whether or not I will fit!!! So many things I have missed out on...soon to be shared and experienced...

Anyway, I am basically packed for the trip to Utica, NY, so I could leave at a moment's notice if I had to! I have all my post-op medications, my special diet requirements, comfy clothes etc...I've even been eating "birdseed" for the past three weeks and I am feeling great!!!! My pre-op diet has actually been a pleasure...shocking, I know, but it's true...I suppose it's means to an end...so far I have lost almost a total of 30lbs....and it's only going to getter better from here...