Continuing the Journey....

I went to Canadian Tire and Shoe Company this week one evening...seems quite insignificant, doesn't it?? And you are probably wondering why I'm journalling about it. Well is it definitely not insignificant but rather another huge milestone for me along this whole journey back to or into the "real"Allison...the fact is, since I had gained so much weight, I had been unable to go to these stores because of the whirly thing you had to walk through in order to get in...you know, those turn style thingees that they have at the entrance of certain stores or at sports arenas and at the subway station. Well, at the weight and size I was, I just didn't fit and would have easily gotten stuck attempting to make my way through one of these things. Instead, I would have had to ask a clerk to open the "special" gate for allowing mother's with strollers into the store. So, I simply avoided going to such stores at all. Crazy, I know...but it's my story. This week though, all that changed and I went to Canadian Tire THREE times and Shoe Company TWICE!!! I smiled with sheer delight every time I went through the turn style...and actually today when I went to Canadian Tire with Ed, I had him turn around and stop and watch me go through!!!!! I was so proud of myself...I am finally starting to feel normal!!! Oh yes, and I got an AMAZING pair of boots at the Shoe Company too...and they even have a heel!!! Haven't worn heels in ages!!!

On to other things...someone posted a good question about my journey that I felt was worth an answer. So, I'd like to address it the best I can...the question was about the loss of my "drug of choice" = FOOD and how that has had an effect on me during this journey. Food definitely was a drug for me, a way to numb all sorts of feelings and emotions that at times were just too much for me to bear. So, I would tell myself that if I could just make it through yet another day and be a good mother and a good wife and a good officer, I would reward myself with a nice snack at the end of the day. The "snack" usually consisted of a bag of chips, a container of dill pickle dip and a tub of ice cream...something like that. This lasted on and off for many years, definitely through my 20's, while I was having my children and being married and then divorced. I suppose the best way to explain it is to say that my fat and my food became my very best, faithful, constant companions through times that were so deeply painful and when I felt abandoned by all else. I could always depend on them and they made me feel better if only for a moment.

So, how did or does the change in thinking take place?? I'm not entirely sure, but for me it has been a real process and more specifically, it has been a process, a journey of self-discovery. Even though up until a few months ago my eating was insanely out of control and I was on a real downward spiral with my health, there was something amazing happening inside me. Despite my size and my disability of being morbidly obese, I was discovering who the girl was underneath. I was so very large that I felt the impact of my weight with every movement every day...I knew that I was dying a very slow death by expecting my heart to continue to pump through my body everyday. I think that as I came to the realization that I was living on borrowed time and that my tiny frame was not able to support me very well anymore, that I decided that I needed to let my "old friends", my fat and my food go. I did not need them anymore because I was Allison...a smart, pretty, loving, compassionate, competent woman and I had every reason to live. Do I miss my drug of choice? No. Not at all. I don't miss it at all because I have discovered something far more valuable...I have discovered me...with all my faults and failings, yes, but equally I have discovered the authentic Allison...the Allison who is no longer defined by her fat or the food that made her obese...but who is defined by the attributes she possesses both inside and out.

It's been an incredible journey. It not been an easy one at all, but one of serious personal introspection and a sincere openness to change. Even though many times it was uncomfortable to admit my failures and the personal responsibility that I had in getting the way I was, I know that the change had to begin from the inside. Now, I have been given the amazing opportunity for the outside to match!! Will I ever be perfect? Or have a perfect body? Or look like Angelina Jolie??? Nope!! Never!!! But I am happy because I never want to be in the position of watching life pass me by and not being able physically to join in. I am happy because I am no longer imprisoned by the chains of my obesity. I am happy because I chose life the day I got up on the operating table in Utica, NY. I am happy because I am free.